The whole truth

I haven't been honest.

I've been living this way for so long I don't remember when it began. The hardest part about realizing I should get help was because it's not that bad. When I compare my mental health to people I would describe as having "real problems" things seem fine. I'm not depressed; joyless; or detached from my boys. I don't have panic attacks that leave me in the fetal position on the floor. I'm not even necessarily unhappy, for lack of a better way to describe it... I'm just really pissed off.

I'm pissed off at myself more than anything. Why? I could be a better mother than I am. Every morning I wake up and tell myself that I will not raise my voice, I will encourage not threaten, I will not loose my cool. But every day I yell, threaten and loose my cool. I avoid calling and seeing my friends often because I'm afraid of how they will judge me, because I feel like a terrible failure of a mother. Also I find that I have to bite my tongue from yelling at friends, strangers on the street, dust mites.

Who parents in anger? Me. Apparently.

A month ago I decided enough is enough. I started meeting with an LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker) to talk about ... everything. We decided that my symptoms, though not nearly as serious as people with 'real' problems, were pervasive enough that medication would help. I mean, with stories about mothers who feel no attachment to their kids, harm themselves and/or their kids or who have persistent negative thoughts- my problems seemed silly.

I dragged my feet. Even me, with my enlightened view of mental health, hesitated to actually take medication (again) to solve a problem. Couldn't I just decide to change? Couldn't I just chill the heck out? Well then I read this blog and it spoke to me. I also read these blogs where women bravely share their stories. That was it, big or small I wanted help with my problems.

The first Psychiatrist I called didn't have an appointment till after Christmas. The second Psychiatrist told me that I needed to stop breastfeeding because and I quote "What is the benefit of breastfeeding?" Um, okay...

So when I got off the phone with them I called my midwives and ironically the lactation consultant answered the phone. We discussed Shrink #2's narrow world view and she made an appointment for me.

Within an hour the midwife who I was to see the following week called me from her personal cell to make sure I was okay and to tell me she was willing to write a script right now. Have I told you how awesome those midwives are? I picked up my generic 25mg of Zoloft (breastfeeding safe, thankyouverymuch) and took the first that evening. I could feel it when it hit my bloodstream, if you've ever taken Adderall or Benadryl or even Tylenol with Codeine you know how it feels when a medication first starts to metabolize. I felt a little loopy- but the tension in my shoulders almost immediately relaxed.

It's been 4 days and it's honestly incredible. It's like a veil is lifting. It's impossible to explain without using metaphor and hyperbole. Suffice it to say I feel much, much better... and this is just the beginning. The oddest 'side effect' is I was using my inhaler 3-4 times a day before I started the Zoloft and now I haven't used it in 3 days. Dare I say- I'm kinda excited?! I don't really freak out much anymore. I don't hardly see a need to yell. I feel so relived.

Now that's service!

I received a phone call yesterday from one of the nurses at Special Beginnings. They're just checking in. She asked a really comprehensive list of questions, everything from "How is Jack doing?" to "Are you eating balanced meals?" The whole conversation lasted about 30 minutes. I learned one very important thing- I'm not taking it easy enough.

So I need to put my feet up more and take more naps?... okay!

I can't seem to stay away

I went back to the Birth Center today and I was really excited to go. They have a breastfeeding boutique complete with Lactation consultant and everything. The feedings are going well, but I figure if I'm going to do this whole breastfeeding thing for a whole year again I might as well get some nice bras this time around. Those Target nursing tanks can only take me so far... and they aren't very, you know, supportive. I am SUPER impressed with their selection! I got 2 really awesome bras, and honestly- I don't have regular bras that are this supportive and comfy!!
We ran into David, who delivered Henry, and I CRIED when I gave him the card I wrote and thanked him again. It's hard to really explain how much is different this time. Most of the difference is attributable to not being a new parent and not being scared and overwhelmed by everything. But having a positive birth experience is HUGE too, especially for me because I put so much stock in it.

Jack is enjoying a new favorite activity- rearranging the furniture to make trains, tunnels, bridges and forts. This was one of my favorite activities as a kid and I can remember doing this well into my preteen years (my brother was 7 when I was 12, remember). Clearly I have a long road of putting furniture back ahead of me, which is fine because watching his creative juices flow in this way is really quite amusing!

Hello Henry!

Well, readers, as many of you know. I am now a mommy of two handsome little men. Below is my birth story in full detail. It's got info like 'cervical dilation' in it, so don't read it aloud to the kiddos, okay?!

April 2:
7:10pm- I'm laying in savasana (resting yoga pose done at the end of practice) in my prenatal yoga class. Our meditation for the pose was to focus on trusting our bodies, which to be honest, I didn't. I didn't think my body would go into labor, I really didn't believe I could trust my own body. So like a mantra I started repeating "I believe my body can do this" over and over to myself when, no joke, all of a sudden 3 HARD contractions hit me. I was breathing so deeply and writhing around on the floor, I just didn't want to ruin everyone else's relaxation time!

7:35pm- My yoga instructor, Darlene, offers to push on some of my pressure points. Because I do not believe I'm actually in labor... but if I was these points would make my contractions stronger. Nothing changes, my contractions are pretty intense but nothing to convince me I am in-fact in labor.

7:45pm- Walking to my car I had to stop and hold on to several other parked cars on my way to my own. Which forces me to come to the realization that I am actually in labor. Woo Hoo!

8:00pm- Laboring at home. Since I hadn't eaten since lunch I ate some peanut butter out of the jar. We packed the hospital bag, did 3 loads of laundry, cleaned the kitchen, cleared off both digital cameras, backed everything up on the hard drive and spent a lot of time laying up the stairs or bent over the bed... cause, ouch! At this point contractions were 3-4 minutes apart lasting 45 seconds.

11:15pm- My parents arrive! Thank goodness! We give my dad the quick and dirty run down of what to do and where to find things during the night and my mom, Matt and I pile into the car.

11:45pm- We arrive at the hospital. My water breaks as my mom is wheeling me up, because, no... I can't walk through the contractions. Which were every other minute lasting for an entire minute (typically this happens in transition 7-10cm dilation). So I get into triage and at this point I'm not just breathing through the contractions, I'm screaming through them. I'm trying to do my low guttural grunting, but sometimes it just came out as a scream. So when the midwife, Joann, checked me and told me I was only 2-3cm I was like... oh shit, what do I do now?!
She said she never suggests pain medication to her patients in normal circumstances but because my contractions were in transition by my cervix was in early labor she suggested that I get checked in and get some stadol to hopefully slow the contractions and space them out enough that they would finally match my cervical progress. Because I couldn't relax enough between them to allow my body to do what it needed to do.

April 3:

12:30am- This is me trying not to die from pain. Can you die from pain? I was starting to think it was possible. I get me some stadol. Which didn't really take the edge off the pain of the contractions themselves but it did spread them out and make me really loopy so between contractions I was almost asleep. Right after I got the stadol the anesthesiologist came in... I'm thinking, WTF? Who invited you to this party. So I listen to his "pain management options" seminar and then say thank you, but no thank you.

2:00am- The nice main with the epidural came back because, like I said, the stadol did not take the edge off the pain of the contractions at all :-(. Too bad the position I had to sit in, the pain of the numbing injections and the pain of the epidural needle were so painful I actually screamed myself horse. I believe I said things like "Ouch" and "Get away from me" and "Stop" all while trying not to move around too much so I didn't accidentally end up paralyzed. My midwife checks me and I'm 4-5cm... well at least it's progress, right?

5:15am- Another check from the midwife. I'm 10cm. Waitexcusemewhatthefuck?! I know I said all along, I trust my body to do this, IF I go into labor. It's one thing to say that you believe your body can actually do a thing, and it's another to actually KNOW that you get to do the thing! My midwife says to me, well, "We can let you start pushing down, but since you're at +1..." I finish her thought with "let me labor-down first?" So we turn the lights back down and I try to sleep.... but I'm too excited. At least I closed my eyes and dozed for a bit.

7:35am- My shhhh secret favorite midwife, David, (who delivered Emily L's Colin) comes on duty and says, alright, it's time to push! So I push and I push, and although it took quite a while it didn't seem like a long time (also I didn't let myself look at the clock... who cares how long this takes as long as I get to do it!)

9:55am- Henry James is born!! The first thing I said? " I did it!" But then I looked down at Henry and I said "We did it! We did it!" Matt got to cut his umbilical chord. My mom held one leg and Matt held the other (until my mom switched to photography mode). I have one tiny 1st degree tear and a shiny happy disposition!

Yes. I reached down and helped deliver him myself. And then I just held him and held him and held him some more. Finally I let him go off and get measured. 8lbs 8oz. 19 inches. 4 days early.

Then big brother Jack came to visit.

Matt, Me, David and my Henry.

And then we got to do what normal delivering mommies get to do... we CAME HOME!

There really just are not words for how damn happy I am. One of the sweetest things of all was when Matt said to me "I didn't realize how much I missed out on too. I'm so proud of you, and I'm so glad you got to do it."

More Catch-up

Wednesday I had my normal (now weekly, ugh!) midwife appointment. Since it was in the evening and after the appointment I was going to be a model (haha!) for my acupuncturist/cranial sacral therapist's demo for the nurses and midwives, and it was St. Patrick's Day we decided to go down together, go to the appointment, then we ran to Bill Batemans for dinner (yum!) and then I went back to model while Matt took Jack to the Annapolis harbor. While I was sad to miss the first harbor experience my model/appointment felt SOOO GOOD that it was okay.

So here are the husband-photos... I will attempt to channel my husband when writing the captions: Retirement Plan.

Captain Daddy?

He makes this look good...

Something nerdy about Maryland history, photography or architecture.

Now back to me again. This Thursday and Friday my mom came up (since she's done being a nomad in Florida) to help me nest. Thank goodness for that because the bending over to pick things up and the creativity part of my brain have been severely hindered.

We hunted for last-minute items. We plotted and developed a easy-meals plan. We cleaned... like really cleaned... like dusting and everything! And we hung out!

Here are some of the fruits of our labor. Calzones, assembled, made-to-order and labeled. Two nights of bean stroganoff (just the sauce, noodles to be cooked when needed). We also have laid out fish + veggies + starch, a crock pot meal, and my mom is planning to make eggplant parm and ziti to bring 'when the time comes'.

So much crossed off my list in so little time.

35/35

Today, my friends, is an auspicious day. It is known in the pregnancy forums as my 35/35. I am 35 weeks pregnant, with 35 days to go till my due date. Since the c-section is scheduled for 12 days after my EDD (April 19th), my maximum number of days still pregnant is 47.

35 weeks is a big deal because it's the "if-you-go-into-labor-we-will-do-nothing-to-stop-it date" at least the one that most doctors/midwives go by, mine included. So magically my pregnancy has morphed from a waiting pregnancy to an it could happen anytime pregnancy. Do it think it will happen anytime soon? Nope. I'm definitely thinking April, not March. And if I got to choose, I would prefer April over March... not for any real concrete reason... just cause April seems, better.


So thanks again, baby, for turning head-down so I can now focus on things like red raspberry leaf tea, spicy food, primrose oil, stair climbing and other such nonsense to get things going. Do I think these things are nonsense? No, but I consider the internet not-appropriate things nonsense... so if I refer to nonsense, I'm trying one of those cockamamie methods ::cough::.

Overboard?

There is no such thing when it comes to our children, right?! (Okay, there is always such a thing as overboard, but whatever.)

So the temporarily named 'First Mate' has been head up for several weeks now. Since perhaps 30 weeks give or take a few days. Now at 30 this is no prob bob, but at 36... it's crunch time. Since my midwives want to give me the best chance at a VBAC when I went in for the 34 week visit they said "Hmm... still head-up, eh? If he doesn't turn by 36 we'd recommend an ECV." Which meant I needed to go in at 35 weeks to confirm the little troublemaker is still head-up, and then they would schedule the ECV for 36 weeks.

Needless to say, I panicked. I heard "ECV" "Chance of emergency c-section" and "hospital" and I started to relive all of the emotions after Jack's delivery.

I had been hitting the acupuncture (without moxibustion), spent hours in crazy positions, took pulsatilla (homeopathic) twice daily, went to the chiropractor and had her perform the Webster technique (sorry no link.. couldn't find any good pictures of that one), laid on a heating pad to help open my hips, meditated, and even burned my Naval Chackra candle to help channel my energy. Yeah, I went a little overboard, but it's a small price to pay to get a chance to really do this thing.

Saturday morning I was laying upside down and decided to poke around at him a little bit. Well, low and behold he flipped! I was pretty confident that he did flip right then and there, but I didn't want to break out the sparkling cider quite yet. All day Saturday I felt kicks up at my ribs and had that oh-so-fun pelvic discomfort. Sunday it was more of the same. Since I had a chiropractor appointment today I needed to get into the midwives to see if my instincts were right. They were. He is, in fact, head down!!! To quote my midwife "his head is huge, he's probably going to be a big one." Well Jack was 8.11 at 11 days past due, so I'm thinking we may have a 9 pounder on our hands. Gulp!

Now it's time to celebrate. Grab the sparkling cider!

p.s. Thanks for being so cooperative "First Mate," Mommy is so proud!

Still

Is it still a still if I'm not makin' moonshine?
Red raspberry leaves steeping in my strainer... not a proper steeper.

See the leaves that snuck through the wires of the strainer? Ick!

No cheesecloth? No problem! Cloth napkin to the rescue!

Yummy! So, why red raspberry leaf tea?

Nevermind, then

After 5 failed attempts to upload photos from the weekend I'm now giving up.

The tile is down! The marble is sealed; we'll grout tomorrow and then we'll reinstall the toilet, vanity and pick up the new vanity top from Lowes and voila, we'll have a whole new bathroom. The master bath now looks fugly (which is a contractor technical term) in comparison, but that will just keep us motivated to keep working.

Big thanks to GiGi and PaPa for their help this weekend and the use of their oh-so-vital tile saw!

Link is proving to be a big help keeping Jack entertained. We have a few of those cat-toy-on-a-stick toys and Jack just holds the stick and runs around the house, which of course drives the cat nuts- causing the cat to burn some excess energy off and causing Jack to erupt in uncontrollable fits of giggles.

Some updates on #2:
-I'm still not swelling!! I can't tell you how pleased and proud I am of this fact. At this point last time it was just about Thanksgiving. I was so swollen I couldn't wear my wedding rings. I couldn't wear any cute shoes and my feet were in a constant state of cankles.
-My prenatal yoga class is awesome! I saw Marla again this week. She said she's been feeling YUCK all day and she's hoping that these early labor signs will hold off till Leora's Birthday party this weekend! Good Luck, Marla!
-I also learned that I spent the last 2 months of my pregnancy with Jack I tried to 'help prepare' my body with different exercises and body positions (i.e. tilted pelvis) well apparently everything I did was closing off my pelvis not opening it as I thought. No wonder he never descended and engaged!
-I'm tired, a lot. Maybe tomorrow a certain husband will let me sleep in and he can be 'on duty'. ::fingers crossed::