Just your typical manic weekend...

Jack challenged me to a duel. Or needed to see that mommies can do anything daddies can do... Please note my leveled perfection: Jack's new closet is finished and awesome and spacious. I am Mommy, hear me use power tools.

I taught myself to knit this week so this weekend I started making a woolie. (Which is a wool diaper cover and is waterproof. It's also fuzzy and precious.)

I celebrated International Handstand Day on Sunday, June 26th.

And I went to yoga class this weekend for 14 hours.

Yeah, I'm Jealous

So yesterday was the Summer Solstice. I did some extra sun salutations and they were delicious. But how cool would it have been to do yoga with a BUNCH of other yogis in Times Square on the Summer Solstice?! Check out this article from Huffington Post for photos and video. Yoga en mass like this is so cool to see!

Yoga and Lyme Disease

Since the onset of symptoms the hardest thing to do has been to get out of bed in the morning. Not because I'm sad or worried or unmotivated, but because no matter how slowly I start moving it seems I always feel dizzy, have a skull splitting headache, and the bite site (on my left leg) throbs so badly I have to limp until the blood starts to flow normally.

This morning I decided that enough was enough. I was going to do something to hopefully stop these symptoms. The first thing I did was to lay in bed for 5 minutes just taking physical inventory. Nothing was hurting more than usual, I didn't feel particularly disoriented, just tired and achy (oh, the achy joints!)

I took a few sips of water (which is always on my bedside table at night, right now.) Breathed deeply for a few slow breaths (like, maybe 5 or 10.)Modified Mountain Pose. I'm just activating the muscles in my arms and legs. Feet are flexed. Palms face the ceiling. Hold while taking 2-4 comfortable and deep breaths

Bridge Pose. Legs and arms are active. Butt is not clenched. Knees are hip distance apart (not touching and not splayed to the side.) Hold while taking 1-3 comfortable and deep breaths.

Knees-to Chest Pose. Gently hug knees towards the chest. Feet are flexed and active. Hold while taking 1-3 gentle deep breaths.

Reclining Big Toe Pose. Hands are gently pulling on the leg while the leg is gently pushing back into the hands. "Resting" leg is active, foot is flexed. Repeat on other side. Hold while taking 2-4 gentle deep breaths.

Shoulders on the Back (not officially a pose). Arms are stretched at shoulder height and muscles are active. Shoulders hug onto the back as arms slide deeper into the shoulder sockets. Repeat 3-5 times holding the pose while taking 1-2 deep comfortable breaths.

Modified Eagle Pose. Arms cross right over left (and then repeat placing left over right) hands are active, palms face away from one another. Legs and feet are active. Hold on each side while taking 1-3 deep comfortable breaths. Seated Staff Pose. Spine is straight, shoulders hug onto the back. Leg muscles are active, knees are not hyper extended, feet are flexed and active. Hold while taking 5-10 gentle deep breaths.

Easy Seated Pose. Normally a yoga practice starts with this pose, but when your joints ache and you are fatigued and your brain feels like it might burst from your skull this pose is challenging enough to be the final pose of the practice. I'm sitting in a crisscross applesauce like position. One foot is placed in front of the other so the ankles aren't stacked and feet are active. My sit bones are grounded into the.... mattress. (Normally, I would say Earth.) My spine is straight and perpendicular to the ground (allowing for a slight curve in the lumbar or lower back). Head is in line with the spine. Hold while gently taking 10 deep breaths.

Finally I put my feet on the floor for the first time this morning. I didn't feel the rush of blood to my bite site and the familiar throb. Pleasantly absent! I waited 30 seconds before standing. Still no debilitating headache. I stood, walked to the bathroom and brushed my teeth, feeling almost normal.

This means the antibiotics are working and perhaps the yoga is working as well.

Never underestimate the power of a yoga practice. No matter how strange looking and modified it is!

Doctors Suck, ask me how

So today at 3:45 I went to see a doctor. Not my doctor but a doctor from my group. Here are the things he did that made him a crappy doctor:

1. I waited till 5pm to be seen by him. Clearly he skipped time management day in med. school

2. When he came in to the exam room he didn't acknowledge that I had been waiting at all. Leading me to believe that he actually thinks his time is more important than mine.

3. He was very upset by the fact that I wasn't 100% certain whether I had been taking 300mg or 500mg of Tylenol to treat my fever. Um, wow, OCD, who cares, the point is Tylenol is not completely cutting the fever. Focus.

4. He told me under no uncertain terms that I absolutely have both a bug bite and a virus and than neither have anything to do with another. He felt that it was unnecessary to explain how he came to this conclusion other than to say it appears that my body is reacting normally to the bite. On what planet is a red and purple area which is now the size (diameter) of a tennis ball and raised about 3/4 of an inch and a swelling and red lymph gland also the size of a tennis ball normal? This is the opposite of normal, it's kinda scary.

5. He sent me for a blood draw and didn't include a test for Lyme disease. Not that I think I have it, but it doesn't hurt to be thorough.

To provide a foil to the doctor's douche baggery, when I went for the blood draw they told me upfront there would be a wait. Then when I went back the tech said to me first thing: I'm so sorry you had to wait. We're short-staffed today. She makes a mere percentage of what this doctor makes and works in a repetitive and gross bodily fluid testing office but she was able to be a nice person.

I'm picky about how I'm treated by doctors. I know this. But I refuse to believe that the mere presence of MD after a person's name somehow makes them entitled to treat people with les respect than the barista a Starbucks is expected to treat their customers. Not all doctors suck, but I'll say this, I've never met a midwife I didn't like!

I have a follow up tomorrow with a different doctor. And now I'm going to do some restoratives that will encourage the blood and toxins to move out of my leg and hopefully to my kidneys where they will get flushed out. Let's hope yoga really can fix everything!

Things I Don't Need

I struggle with even putting this into words.

We're working on this teaching in yoga called aparigraha. It means non-grasping. In its simplest form it's about letting go of worldly possessions. That new purse I don't need, the shoes that won't actually change my life, the table cloth, vase, toys for the kids that won't bring me happiness or inner peace but will simply serve to clutter my life.

Aparigraha is about the belief that objects can bring you happiness. Shiny new toys will not make me better or happier in any meaningful way. But my hobbies make me happy. I love yoga and I have a really great mat to practice on. Is that wrong? Making things with my hands- making art- brings me joy, it's about the process as much as it is the product. That doesn't feel wrong to me. I'm getting ready to throw a big birthday bash; I think it's okay to get ready for the event.

I need to find balance with this. I shouldn't feel guilty for the occasional craft here and there, or my new camera (birthday gift) or my new iPad (also a birthday gift). These things help me take better pictures of my kids and read blogs and articles about my interests. The items themselves don't bring me joy, but what they do makes me happy.

With the exception of food and basic toiletry supplies I can't think of anything I covet right now. I'm going to try to buy only the things I need and only the things my family needs and leave everything else behind. No impulse purchases (because in all honesty they just make me feel guilty in the end). No more extras falling into my cart at the grocery store. No more inventing an errand to run just so I can get out of the house.

I want to try this experiment where I only take what I need (what my family needs) and no more. I don't know what it will mean. I have no idea what challenges will come up along the way, but I'm going to explore this Yama and see what happens!

My husband's Nerd card

has been revoked.

Don't worry, dear friends, he hasn't suddenly become too cool for school. He effed with my computer. Complete system uninstall and reinstall. What has been lost? He remembered the photos, the videos the angsty poetry I wrote in college, even the lit review I wrote in graduate school. He forgot my favorites all of them. Every blog, every online store, every social media network, even the news. My soul is dying a little bit.

It's fitting that my assignment in yoga this month is to seek balance in my life in an area that it out of balance. I'm so addicted to the interwebz it's not even funny. Perhaps the universe is trying to facilitate my balance seeking. I still intend to post, but I'm going to scale back how many blogs I read and how much time and when I read them.

If you're thinking to yourself "Don't stop reading my blog." I'm not talking about you- these blogs are ones I'm not subscribed to, they don't provide my life or family with any enrichment, and I never comment on them. They won't even miss me and I hope I don't miss them either.

My husband is NOT off the hook for breaking my touch pad mouse. Daddy fail.

Yoga boga banana fanna fo foga

I don't know about you but I had an AH-mazing weekend! This was another yoga weekend for me. All the teachers in training co-taught a yoga class at the studio. The class was free to family and friends and open to the community. The turnout was great!

While I was 'being all yoga' on Saturday the Husband took the boys to a Sesame Street party! It made such an impression on Jack that he's still talking about the Elmo cake. Then on Sunday I was able to stop into my friend's baby shower on the way to yoga (and to teach my first official class).

By the end of the day on Sunday I was tingly and giddy from all the excitement of the weekend. Then to top it off Henry slept through the night totally uninterrupted (which he hasn't done since he got his cold 2 weeks ago). Score!

Yoga business

This is where I meditate. I meditate at night, before reading in bed. Ideally I'd love to meditate in the morning but my mornings aren't predictable enough for that, not right now. But here's where the magic happens.

I ordered some yoga supplies (before there was any major worry about a furlough). Now I'm ready to teach- I'm already teaching some neighbors... but now I'm ready for more! Bring it on!

My project for my yoga class is called Mommaste- yoga for moms. Mostly women do yoga anyway and yoga is so much about parenting in so many ways so I'm developing my project and my teaching style geared specifically for moms. Children will always try to bend us to do their will, yoga can make us more flexible.

I'm still doing teacher training. That will last until November, but I can teach now I just need to be clear with my students that I'm still in training, I'm not yet certified.

Japa Mala

As a part of my yoga practice and my meditation practice and my attempt to seek shanti (peace) especially in the face of crazy government furlough/bad economy/uncertainty I'm using japa mala.

Buddhist prayer beads allow me to repeat a mantra or phrase to provide stability and encouragement so I can grow as a person. Like a rosary, the mantra is repeated for each bead while the bead is turned between the thumb and forefinger. It's a great way to maintain focus so it's no wonder that Christianity reinterpreted this tradition for its own purposes!

For me, it's not about religion, it's about trying to focus on something I'm trying to work on. My mantra right now focuses on seeking peace inspite of chaos.

I made my Japa Mala out of Jasper beads, wax coated string and a silver clasp.

I needed to be able to take it off for working in the garden, swimming in the ocean, etc. and I wanted to be able to have it with me at all times. It seemed just perfect that 108 beads fit around my wrist 3 times! Love it!

I will be zen in the face of chaos. I will be zen in the face of chaos. Is it working? Am I zen? I think I feel something. Perhaps a tingle...

My case of the Mondays

In case you haven't heard I'm training to become a certified Hatha Yoga instructor. As part of my certification I need to apprentice one of my teachers. Every Monday since January I've been apprenticing in the mornings at my local studio.

Since I'm home with the kids, my Mother-in-Law has awesomely been watching the boys so I can go and learn. It's a challenge for me, because we're basically supposed to sit and observe. Don't talk, don't correct students who are doing poses incorrectly. Don't walk around. Don't ask questions.

It's been brutal. Learning by observation is not my best learning style. I was always really pissed that I had to take time to do it if I'm being totally honest.

Until I taught my first yoga class. (It is also part of the certification. I need to teach at least 3 yoga classes on my own time.)

Teaching changed how I observe. Before, I was constantly looking for how people could do the poses more correctly, in better alignment, safer. Now I don't look at their bodies as much. I look at their faces. Because yoga makes everyone smile. I noticed it when I taught for the first time, coming out of poses, or getting into a really hard one - people are always smiling.

It's never boring to see, and there is always something to be learned.

Meditation is hard

I'm here to break some news. If you're Type A, slightly OCD and have an anxiety disorder- meditation is really friggin hard!

I'm assuming meditation is really hard no matter what because turning off your thoughts and turning in to your breath is no easy feat. But when you approached meditation for the first time, as I did, thinking to yourself "I'm going to meditate the shit out of this." You're doing it wrong!

A friend of mine who also has difficulty with anxiety had a panic attack every time she meditated for 7 months (and she meditated daily) until she figured out something that worked. Apparently there's an app for your iPad- she loves it!

Anyway, so I'm treating meditation like it's a race to be won and I'm failing miserably. To the point that I'm basically avoiding meditation all together. (This was about a month ago.) Then I got my umbilical hernia diagnosis. So I decided to lay off the urdhva dhanurasana and focus on meditation. Where in the universe proved that it knew exactly what I needed. Physical yoga is something I have, I love and I always want to work on. The only way to force me to focus on meditation is to take away my 'crack'.

I was talking to a very dear friend the other night about meditation (which he's been doing for 10ish years) and he said something truly profound: Meditation is like being in a river, sure you can try to swim up stream, but that's exhausting and fruitless; instead simply stand in the river and allow that which is upstream flow down to you.

Finally, it clicks! Am I suddenly transcendent? No. Is meditation suddenly easy? No. But instead of trying to meditate. I just try to sit and clear my head and relax my breath and see what happens.

Brilliant!

Sing it, Pat Benatar

Love is most certainly a battlefield.

I have, on more than one occasion, referred parenting as 'in the trenches'. Parenting is not easy. I mean, think about it:

We are supposed to protect our child from harm while teaching them to be adventurous and try new things. We're not supposed to spank them (obviously) but some think we shouldn't ever yell at them either but we're supposed to teach them about safety- like "My little angel-face, please don't reach for that hot pan on the stove." Unlikely. We're going to say "NO!" and then explain, bla bla hot bla bla not safe. We're supposed to teach them not to throw tantrums or whine when they don't get what they want but you're also (especially with boys) supposed to teach them to embrace the full range of their emotions.

We love them and shower them with affection and praise whenever we can, but we don't want to give in to their every request and appease them all the time. We should run to them when they get hurt but also teach them to pick themselves up and dust themselves off.

Teaching the tiny humans to become big humans is an incredibly hard job. It's love. It's a battlefield.

I have not been fabulous at this really difficult job. I take that back. I'm a great mother and I'm proud of how I'm raising my kids, but it doesn't mean I don't find it all to be incredibly trying.

In yoga we understand that the divine, the universal, God is in everything. The flower that is just starting to bloom, when your toddler says "I love you, you're my best friend." when a baby smiles at you for the first time. The divine is also in the 3am crying fit, the tantrum, the eye-roll. I was in yoga class last night when I realized this. Last night's long drawn out wake up wasn't exactly fun but by remembering that there is something divine in this moment helped it not become a source of great frustration.

The Power of Yoga

When I walk in through the doors to the studio I can actually feel the layers of the day, the chaos of my life peeling off like a snake shedding its skin. I haven't stepped onto the mat yet and I already feel the change. This is true every. single. time.

This is why I felt compelled to participate in Yoga Teacher Training. If class changes me each time in a profound way, where could I go? what would I see? what could I do if I participated in this 11 month long process?

So far my diningroom table has changed.
Note: Jack grabbed a little coloring/workbook we have laying around and insisted that he do his homework with me. Hilarious!

Also my schedule has changed. I'm making room for a daily yoga practice.

I also have food for thought:

The true self is found within. It is not necessary to search externally for that treasure.

With each new birth, each new life the universe expands to make space for the individual.

Kula

This is my kula.

To hear a word used is one thing, to understand it's true meaning is another.

Photo Credit: Cheryl Catranbone

Well, Consider My Mind Blown

If you've met me or read my blog for a bit you probably know- I'm so type A. I will try to control the weather if left to my own devices. Seriously, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to be the first one to do it. For those of you who are not type A or who don't get it let me give you some insight: my mind is constantly filled with chatter. I'm always making a list, planning a project, reflecting on something I've done or beating myself up for something I should have done better.

It's not good, my friends.

I've dealt with postpartum anxiety this go-round and what may or may not have been postpartum depression on the last go-round. But I digress. Basically, my mind is not quiet and I'm a bit twitchy. M'kay, so where am I going? I have been changed (I am being changed, I will be changed).

How?

Meditation.

I know what you're thinking. I don't have time for that! Seriously, when my yoga instructors were talking about meditation my head was nodding but my brain was thinking "I don't have time for this." They didn't give much instruction before we started. They just said this:

• if you're uncomfortable at any point make tiny adjustments because you don't want to sit in discomfort,


• try to be present and quiet the mind- it's going to wander and that's okay but you can just gently bring it back,


• anyone who manages to sit still on a cushion for 10 minutes experiences a success.

These things seemed easy enough. So with an open (and chattery) mind we begin. Sitting with my legs crossed and my eyes closed. The most beautiful thing happens, in the studio next door there is a yoga class for 2-4 year olds going on. They're singing about liking blueberries and twinkle twinkle and laughing and playing. And I sat. And I listened. Occasionally I'd start to wander through my own thoughts but then I'd come back, reminding myself just to listen to the kids and relax and breathe. I could feel something happening, I don't know how 'transcendent' the something was but then the instructor rang the little gong and 10 minutes was up.


Ten minutes of stillness and silence has never ever ever passed so fast in my whole life! When I slowly opened my eyes I felt really calm and relaxed. We're supposed to find 10 minutes every day, and despite my initial thoughts that this is so not going to work for me I'm really excited to continue!

Did you know meditation reduces cortisol (a stress hormone) levels in the brain.

I'm totally sold!
And here's Henry, saying hello- for those of you who prefer to see pics of the bebes.

Happy Birthday, Mom!

Weekend

This weekend has totally blown. my. mind. I started to write a list of every awesome thing I did this weekend but it became quite lengthy. My Yoga Teacher Training is going beautifully. It's what I was hoping it would be and so so so much more! (I have some great tidbits to share but we'll get to that later.) Jack is about to celebrate his third birthday and I'm getting so excited! This coming weekend my mom is coming back into town (both my mom and dad were here this weekend) and we're going to tea. I'm a sucker for high tea.

Good things are happening and good things are coming!

Back to School

Friday evening if my first day of school. I haven't been inside a classroom since 2005 when I finished my Masters Degree. I had been in school from when I was 5 till I was 24 non-stop. Now, after an almost 6 year hiatus I'm starting an 11 month Hatha Yoga teacher training program.

I thought I'd be more zen, because it's you know Yoga and it's not like I'm getting grades or working towards a GPA- if I complete the program I get certified. I'll be able to teach Beginner, Level 1 and Level 2 Yoga. But I'm not so zen. I have first-day-of-school butterflies, big time! I always get butterflies before the first day.

I'm anxious about the workload. I'm kinda worried because I don't know what to expect from the curriculum or requirements. I'm anxious about doing my best. I'm excited to learn and grow. I hope that the whole breastfeeding thing won't be a challenge because classes run kinda long: Friday 6-9 Saturday 12-6 and Sunday 12-6. Henry's not feeding very often but we've made it this far, so I'd like to get all the way to a year.

I have all my books.I have my new hand-stitched yoga mat bag. (I'm so pleased with how it turned out and how little it cost me!)
I wonder if I should bring an apple for the teachers?

New Year, New Yoga

I cheated.

Because I think New Years Resolutions are BS -I started early. I mean who says a new habit has to start on January 1st?! (Or since most people are hungover like woah, January 2nd). I started changing my perspective on yoga last week.

I confess I was only doing yoga once a week. I would go to my class and work incredibly hard and my strength and flexibility would improve ever so slightly from week to week. I just couldn't wrap my head around a home practice. I was in this loop of thinking I needed to do a full hour/ hour and a half practice which meant the kids needed to be in bed for the night or the Husband needed to be watching them. By the time the kids are in bed there are just so many things that need to be done yoga was too far down on the list.

Why do I have to dedicate a whole hour? Isn't 5 minutes or 20 minutes better than nothing? Duh. So I finally started standing on my head while playing with the kids in the basement. I was saluting the sun between steps cooking dinner and doing a few twists before bed. Yoga is not about perfection it's about being present, and I wasn't doing yoga unless the conditions are perfect? Ridiculous!

New Years Eve

I've been trying to think of a way to celebrate the end of this year. 2010 was really, really good to me.
With little kids, hitting a party and having a midnight champagne toast sounds impractical.

But how do I teach Jack about the end of a year? We're going to look through our photo albums (I make one for each year) and talk about what we did last year, and what we did this year and what we'll do next year.

This year we became a family of 4. Which is huge, our house feels more full. Filled with laughter and mess and games and memories.

This year my husband was my hero. He's always my hero, but he deserves extra credit for 2010 because at every opportunity he did more than I needed; expectations were exceeded.

So how do I ring in the new year? 30 Sun Salutations. 108 is the magical number, but as I will be turning 30 in 2011, 30 seems like a magical number to me. Perhaps on my 30th birthday I will have worked my way up to 108.

Om Namah Shivaya.

Perspective

If the solution to a problem doesn't readily present itself

you might need to change your perspective.

Sirsasana.

Are we still trying to sell our house? Yes, for now.

Does it bother me? It would, it should and it still kinda does, but not really because I'm choosing not to be bothered.

Will we keep it on the market? Yes, until another opportunity (whatever that may be) presents itself. We're open to selling, staying and renting. I am okay with this because I'm all zen now. As my yoga instructor says have courage. Fear is easy; do not choose fear, put down your fear and instead choose to have courage. Have a new perspective.

I'm just fine because I have this new perspective.

And things don't look bad at all from here.