Saturday, December 11, 2010

Feeling twitchy?

Not me. Not so much anymore.

I wrote about what I supposed is diagnosed as Postpartum Anxiety. But really, giving it a name doesn't mean much to me, finding a solution- well that's money in the bank. So I'm about 4 weeks into Zoloft and I'm loving the changes.

Every winter of my adult life I've needed to use my asthma inhaler daily. Since starting Zoloft I've used it once. I cannot tell you how amazing that is to me.

Every time I was running late, or even on time but could be running late I would panic. Totally freak out, sometimes burst into tears and always drive like speed racer. The other day I met a friend at Ikea, I was 12 minutes late and I didn't really care. I mean I kinda was worried she'd be waiting for me (I still want to be considerate) but I just figured she'd assume I was running late and she'd understand. Frankly that logical thought process was something I had been without for YEARS and to be able to be on time or late to something without it being a disaster is pretty freakin awesome.

At the end of every day I used to replay all my failings as a parent that day. The time I yelled too much. The time I didn't interact enough. The time I didn't want to get up and crawl around under the table. Each excruciating moment I chose to be what I considered "a crappy parent" I forced myself to relive and feel the guilt. Whether I'm a "less crappy" parent or I perceive myself to be less crappy or I'm finally willing to give myself a break in the parenting department who knows. But all of that the guilt the feelings of falling short it's basically gone. I don't think I'm perfect or anything, I'm just less concerned about trying to be perfect and more focused on doing what I can as each moment requires.

I'm also less frustrated by other people; bad drivers don't get under my skin anymore. I'm not up in arms about things people say in real life, on the interwebs, on the news. People used to talk about letting things roll off their backs and, to be honest, I wanted to punch them in the face because I had no idea how anyone under any circumstances could just let something roll off their back. Now? I actually understand what they mean.

Each little change isn't earth shattering, but all the little changes together amount to a very happy Mommy. I'm sure the boys are grateful I decided to accept help.


melaniet42 said...


Kate said...

And of course it turned out not to matter at all that you were a little late because I was even a few minutes later :). I find it's impossible to be exactly on time with a small child; I'm always either early or late depending on how things are going.