I'm not one to leave a debbie-downer post flapping in the breeze

So here's some cuteness to brighten your sunny, warm, flip-flop wearin' Valentines Day. The boys spent part of the morning geeking out to Daddy's computer. See-through sides and flashing lights = happy boys.

This morning Jack told me I was his Valentine. He's such a charmer! This coming weekend we're going to be putting hardwood floors upstairs (we already put them in on the main level). To tie it together we're taking the carpet off the stairs and then sanding and staining the wood to match.

Hopefully Jack doesn't learn that riding a mattress down hardwood stairs is a great substitute for sledding in the summer. Ah, my youth...

It was a moment

I was laying in the hospital bed after the c-section that delivered my older son. From the time I was lucid enough to notice the world around me it appeared the world had changed. The nurses seemed to be talking to themselves, not to me. I thought my husband was looking at me like I could at any moment evaporate into nothing. I expected to perceive the world differently (now that I was a mommy) I figured it would be all hugs and puppies; this was not the 'different' that I had expected. I was not prepared for the tricks my mind would play on me.

I saw shadows move across the wall and scoot across the ceiling. I saw the baby get out of the bassinet and crawl across the floor. I heard people talking to me but there was no one there. I heard the baby crying, but he was fast asleep. This went on for days, maybe even the first few weeks.

It hurt so much even to adjust my position in bed. I usually needed help. When I say I went to use the bathroom as a means of escape I want you to understand the desperation. I cried in my windowless, sterile, gray hospital bathroom. I cried for my c-section. I mourned my former care-free life. I cried because there was no window for me to climb out of so I could run away. I just wanted so desperately to escape. Like fight or flight, I didn't have any fight in me I just wanted to take flight. To think I could have hoisted myself out a window is laughable, but I was convinced that had the opportunity presented itself I would have tried.

I was dozing in my hospital bed. My mother and my husband were taking turns with sweet Jack so I could sleep. My mother said to my husband "You should watch out for postpartum depression." I wanted to yell "SHUT UP!! I'M FINE!!" Part of me had enough sense to realize she was probably (definitely) right.


Why tell this story? Why bring it up?

Because I should have gotten help. I figured I was tired, and the hospital was just messing with me. I decided I'd be better at home, and I was right- home was better. But I wasn't suddenly whistling Dixie.

I should have taken these feelings more seriously. I figured postpartum depression was wanting to hurt the baby, or feeling detached from the baby or wanting to hurt myself. I felt angry, angry about the c-section. But that wasn't the whole story and I was totally unwilling to admit it. I don't know what my experience was because I never got help. It might have been PPA, PPD or PPP. What it was doesn't really matter though, it was horrible and totally unnecessary.

I tell this story as a means of releasing it, because I don't feel this way not even a little bit. It was a moment in time. I could have done more and learned more but my moment is over I've grown away from that sad, scared new mommy. Someone else might be crying in a bathroom somewhere and they shouldn't have to.

Sing it, Pat Benatar

Love is most certainly a battlefield.

I have, on more than one occasion, referred parenting as 'in the trenches'. Parenting is not easy. I mean, think about it:

We are supposed to protect our child from harm while teaching them to be adventurous and try new things. We're not supposed to spank them (obviously) but some think we shouldn't ever yell at them either but we're supposed to teach them about safety- like "My little angel-face, please don't reach for that hot pan on the stove." Unlikely. We're going to say "NO!" and then explain, bla bla hot bla bla not safe. We're supposed to teach them not to throw tantrums or whine when they don't get what they want but you're also (especially with boys) supposed to teach them to embrace the full range of their emotions.

We love them and shower them with affection and praise whenever we can, but we don't want to give in to their every request and appease them all the time. We should run to them when they get hurt but also teach them to pick themselves up and dust themselves off.

Teaching the tiny humans to become big humans is an incredibly hard job. It's love. It's a battlefield.

I have not been fabulous at this really difficult job. I take that back. I'm a great mother and I'm proud of how I'm raising my kids, but it doesn't mean I don't find it all to be incredibly trying.

In yoga we understand that the divine, the universal, God is in everything. The flower that is just starting to bloom, when your toddler says "I love you, you're my best friend." when a baby smiles at you for the first time. The divine is also in the 3am crying fit, the tantrum, the eye-roll. I was in yoga class last night when I realized this. Last night's long drawn out wake up wasn't exactly fun but by remembering that there is something divine in this moment helped it not become a source of great frustration.

I might start to love doing laundry!

This was how I was doing laundry. Dark room, dingy carpet, no storage, no fun! I was paranoid about dropping anything on the rug when i mived it from the washer to the dryer. It just felt unsanitary. (Yes, I'm a clean freak so my definition of unsanitary is.... picky.) But ugh! What domestic goddess wants to work in these conditions?!


After we put in the storage shelves I was inspired to re-vamp the whole area. Now the storage shelves are awesome because the soaps are right there to scoop in to the washer but it also leaves some space for pantry items (which my husband interprets as space for beer) but I see as a place to put homemade preserves. Which makes me psyched for picking season! The back edge of the shelves has a 3inch board nailed to it so if I ever push something towards the back of the shelf it would be safe from falling. Crucial!


The peel and stick tiles were really easy to lay but I found it helpful to use free weights and gallons of paint to hold the tile down while the adhesive cured. The area behind the shelves is covered with a sheet (because there are pipes and wires back there walling it in is totally impractical) but having something to make it look a little prettier and a little less 'basement' was key.

I'm not gonna lie, doing laundry yesterday was almost fun.

The Doctor

When you're a brand new parent, going to the doctor is a much-welcome performance review. You're anxious about baby's size and you have questions about cradle cap (or maybe torticollis). A visit to the doctor is an outing, but you pack like you're going to move in there. You never know what you're going to need!

My first appointments with Jack felt like a lifeline. We were worried about weight gain because my milk didn't come in for 5 days. I was reeling from the birth experience and I was so worried that everything was going to be okay (for both of us).

After the first appointment the day after our release from the hospital (5 days pp) the doctors were worried about his weight but still optimistic about breastfeeding, his weight loss was still a concern. They wanted us to come back. When we came back he had gained weight, my milk had come in- boobs swollen up to my chin. They told us everything was going to be fine. I was so relieved that as we were walking back to the car I burst into tears. I cried on the phone with my mom when I told her, I tried to pretend I wasn't crying but I'm pretty sure she knew... she always knows.

Going to the doctor is no longer life or death for me. I don't need reassurance that my little astronaut is doing fine but I love finding out his stats! How cute is this little blood pressure cuff? It's too much!!

Jack is 38.75 inches tall.
He weighs 37 lbs 8oz.

Simple & Fabulous

It's genius, it's inspired, it makes julienne fries! This is the epitome of simple fun. Brenna made goodie bags for her son, Amedeo's birthday with the ingredients for this Balloon on a String. The beauty of the thing is the whole kit and kaboodle is easy to acquire, inexpensive and it kept the kids (yes, both of them) entertained for at least an hour!

Obviously, I couldn't keep this a secret!Not to mention the giggles that ensued! Which allowed me some time to lay a swanky new peel and stick tiles in the laundry room. It's incredibly easy, I'm doing it totally myself (so entertaining the boys with this genius balloon doo-hicky is key to working on this project. Pictures to come.)

Have you noticed we have a bit of a floor theme going on around here?

Also, here's a cool yoga tidbit- Have you noticed when babies get to the age where they're squirmy they will try to throw themselves out of your arms? They always lead with their heart. They fearlessly throw their entire body sternum-first backwards to try to get out of your arms. Why do they do this? They're still connected to the universal.

Top 10 things I could do without

10. That feeling. That feeling that you're forgetting something or that you meant to do something. You can't put your finger on it but you're pretty sure you're somehow dropping the ball, but you have no idea which ball. I can make a mean to-do list but I'm bound to forget things every once in a while.

9. Boredom. It doesn't happen very often (obviously) but when I actually find myself with nothing to do I feel kinda lost. I'm always watching the kids or painting something or renovating something or crafting something, I'd even count catching up with my shows on the DVR something to do in a pinch. But when everything is done it's kinda spooky. Not necessarily bad, but just a little strange...

8. When You Tube videos won't play. Not catastrophic but it's kind of a bummer when you see a facebook post that says "This is the funniest video ever." or "This video clearly itemizes the meaning of life, don't miss it." And you can't get the darn thing to play. Ah, well.

7. There's nothing to eat. This feeling is actually really silly when you think about it; there are people all over who don't have enough to eat or don't have healthy foods available to them, or don't have a way to heat up a hot meal. That's truly awful (donate to a food bank, 'kay?). You know when you're standing there with the pantry or fridge door open wracking your brain for what to make but it appears you only have a packet of hot cocoa, an onion and a bottle of vodka? Not good, my friends.

6. DVD case Roulette. When a certain member of your family ::cough:: husband ::cough:: takes a DVD out of the player and instead of putting it back in it's case he puts it in the next case and the next case until your whole collection is totally out of whack.

5. Forgetting to take the trash out. Nothing beats hearing the trash truck in the morning and then remembering all your trash is still in cans on your deck and not out on the curb.

4. Reaching the end of the Internet. It happens about every 3 days or so that I run out of things to read on the internet. See number 9.

3. Zits. I'm going to be 30 in May, I am so over having zits! It's just ridiculous! On an upside, Photoshop is AWESOME!

2. Bad sleep. In general, when the kids don't sleep well at night or don't nap well during the day it means they're cranky and I'm cranky. It's Crank-a-palooza. I would prefer that my little angels sleep well 100% of the time, but honestly the fact that they need me at night sometimes is quite endearing.

1. Guilt. As a general rule, I believe guilt is unproductive. It leads to negative internal dialogue about how I should have done this or that better. Being hard on myself is not ahimsa (yoga teaching of non-violence), and the first place we should practice non-violence is with the self. Thus I will now do without guilt. (Riiiight, well at least I can try.)

Thanks to Katie for coming up with a great Tuesday blog theme. If you want to do one too head over to Sluiter Nation and link up! Also thanks to Grace for the idea about Zits, because I too can certainly live without those in my life!!